While visiting the mental asylum, George asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be admitted?"
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," mused George. "A sane person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," replied the Director, "a sane person would simply pull the plug. Now, George, would you like a bed near the window?"

Ernie had worked hard all his life and saved all of his money. He was a real scrooge, loving money more than anything. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "Listen carefully, Mabel. When I die, you must bury all my fortune in my coffin with me. I'm gonna take every single penny to the afterlife."
No matter how hard she tried, Mabel couldn't change the old miser's mind, so she promised solemnly that when he died, she would put all the money in the coffin with him.
The day came when he did kick the bucket. Mabel sat with her best friend, looking at the coffin during the funeral ceremony. At the end, just as the coffin lid was being sealed, Mabel stood up and said, "Wait a minute!"
She walked to the coffin and placed a shoe box in it. The coffin was taken away.
"Mabel," her friend asked, "You didn't put all that money into the old miser's coffin like he demanded?"
"Of course I did," Mabel replied. "I always keep my promise. I told him that I would put all his money in the coffin with him, and that's just what I did."
Her friend was aghast. "You mean to tell me you buried every penny of his money in that coffin with him?"
"Yes, I did. I collected it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque."

I was strolling past the mental hospital the other day, and heard all the patients shouting, "13….13….13…."
The fence was too high to see over, but there was a little gap in the planks, so I peered through to see what was going on. Someone poked me in the eye with a stick!
Then they all started shouting, "14….14….14…."

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
A little girl.
A little girl who?
A little girl who can't reach the doorbell !

Little Alice bounced into the bathroom while her mother was applying her makeup. "I'm gonna look just like you, Mommy!" she squeaked.
"Of course, sweetheart, when you grow up," Mommy said.
"Oh no, Mommy, tomorrow, I'll just put on that "Oil of Old Lady" you always use."

Jim's car died on him in a lonely country lane. He got his torch from the boot, lifted the bonnet, and peered in at the engine. He was standing there, scratching his head in puzzlement, when a big brown-and-white cow, wearing a battered floppy green hat, plodded along the lane. She stopped at the car and looked over Jim's shoulder at the engine.
"At a guess I'd say your problem is a blocked  fuel line", said the cow.
Jim yelped and ran down the lane as fast as his legs would carry him. He met a farmhand and excitedly told him about the talking cow.
"Hmmm," the farmhand said. "Was this cow brown-and-white, wearing a battered floppy green hat?"
Jim's eyes went wild. "Yes, yes, that's the one!"
"Oh, that'll be Ol' Daisy," said the farmhand. "Don't listen to a word she says — she knows nothin' about cars!"

The Halloween party had gone on into the early hours of the morning. Now Bill and Jill had to walk home, passing the cemetery.
Bill said, "Hey, Jill, bet you daren't take a shortcut through the cemetery with me — whooooo!"
Jill laughed, "Ooooh, I'm really scared. Come on, help me over the wall."
Halfway through the cemetery they heard a faint tap-tap-tap coming from out of the darkness. Now Jill really was scared, but Bill nervously inched forward toward the sound. He came across an old crone on her knees, tapping away at one of the gravestones with hammer and chisel.
"Wow, old woman," Bill murmured with relief, "you put the wind up my wife, for sure. The silly mare thought you were a ghost. What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"
"Those fools!" the old crone complained. "They've misspelled my name!"

A family had spent the day moving from their Iowa farmhouse into a brand new house in a nearby development. Very early the next morning, their 3 year old son ran into the parent's bedroom to wake them up. The mother dressed him and told him to go play in the yard.
About 30 minutes later, he came running back, "Mommy! Mommy!" he exclaimed, "Everybody has doorbells---and they ALL work!"