A Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bullfight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Mrs. Johnson decided to have her portrait painted by a famous artist. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets and a ruby pendant."
"But you are not wearing any of those things."
"I know," said Mrs. Johnson. "My health is not good and my husband is having an affair with his secretary. When I die I'm sure he will marry her, and I want her to go nuts looking for the jewellery."

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day, a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh ... Immediately, he turned ninety!

Three men on a train noticed that three women had only one ticket between them. They said, "How are you going to travel on one ticket?"
One woman said, "Watch and learn."
A bit later, the three women all crammed into a bathroom and when the conductor came around, he knocked on the door and said, "Ticket please!" One single arm extended from the bathroom and he took the ticket and went on his way.
The men thought it was a clever idea after all. On the return trip, the men bought only one ticket for the three of them and noticed that the women didn't buy any.
One man asked, "How are you going to travel without a ticket?"
One woman said, "Watch and learn,"
A while after the trip started, the three men crammed into one bathroom and the three women crammed into another.
A few seconds later, one woman came out of the bathroom, knocked on the door of the other bathroom and said, "Ticket please!"

A duck walks into a hardware store.
He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager says, "No, we don't have any duck food."
The duck leaves, and comes back later. He asks the manager, "Do you have any duck food."
The manager is annoyed and says, "No, I've already told you. We don't have any duck food!"
The next day, the duck again waddles into the hardware store. He finds the manager and says, "Do you have any duck food?"
The manager, exasperated, says, "No, we don't have any duck food, and if you come in here and ask me that again, I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" and marches away.
The duck leaves and the next day, comes in again. He says to the manager, "Do you have any nails?"
The manager screams, "NO, we don't have any nails!"
So the duck says, "Do you have any duck food?"

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Iowa and had told her that she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple days, but on the third day, he came home to a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Illinois. He had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day, he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a girl from Oregon. He told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, and the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, enough to fix himself a bite to eat and load the dishwasher.